Butterflies in My Tummy
I panic a lot. And quickly. Ever since I was a kid I can't help feeling nervous when I encounter a new thing or anticipate a new event, good or bad. My hands feel all clammy and sweaty. My stomach feels like some lost butterfly is inside trying to get out and tickling me pink. It it gets too bad, I get cramps and sometimes feel like either peeing or pooping.
I'm afraid this will affect me. When I get nervous I forget what I was thinking or was trying to articulate. It's not always bad for me, though. When I was in the story telling competition, and later on the debate team this clammy nervousness has often helped me. I get so cranked up that I practice constantly to get the panic attacks out of my mind. The minute I stepped up to the stage everything inside my head just vanished. I get this fuzzy feeling of tranquility. I might not remember my speech, but no matter, cuz it has been transported to my mouth. It's like a motor reflex. I just managed to articulate whatever it is that I had practised. Then it ends, I just get all warm inside. Then it hit me - why did I go to all the trouble getting all nervous?
The panic attacks are coming to me now. But this time it's different. It comes with just slightest feeling of uncertainty. I am now unsure of myself. Will I come out of this alive or will it just eat me all up and leave me an empty skull. I wonder what tomorrow brings....
Posted in: on February 07, 2005 at at 2:22:00 PM
