Warning: This entry is extremely long and brings no conclusion whatsoever. It is merely the blog owner's personal conversation with her beautiful self.
... Alexis or Lexy for short. She's actually one sixth of a sextuplet belonging to Jon and Kate of the
Jon and Kate plus 8 fame. Cute and bubbly, she's always the joker in the bunch. At least, that is what is portrayed in the reality show, and I religiously watch every Wednesday night. Last night, Lexy took a trip to the dentist and as soon as she came in the doctor's room she bawled her eyes out. It wasn't until she crossed paths with her "banky" (blankie) did she cheer up. Nevertheless, she managed to answer the doctor's questions about cartoon characters in between her howling.
The reason I'm rambling about Lexy has something to do with my not having kids after three years' of marriage. This morning I struck a conversation with a
kakak, an ex-lecturer of mine. One of the first questions she asked me was how many kids I had. After 3 years I'm already immune to this kind of questions and I blurted the usual "Blom ada rezeki..". My other prepared mechanical answers are usually "3 orang; 1 anak tekak and 2 anak mata" or "anak kucing ada laa" ...que pretentious laugh here. Anyways as it turns out she also had difficulty conceiving. She was married for 5 years before managing to conceive. She tried every effort possible except going to see Dr Hamid Arshat because according to her the consultation fee is a bit too steep. Now, her kid is in first year of primary school and she claims to have difficulty to conceive her second baby. The same case goes with my roomate Nik who is anxiously trying for a second one. My friend next door is also engrossed in the baby making process. She has undergone IUI treatment twice now; all to no avail. Which makes it ironic when her roomate without any effort whatsoever has managed to conceive. This roomate is now well in her 2nd month. Another colleague, lets call her Kak P, is also carrying well into her third trimester, an unplanned child. So all of the people in my circle of friends who have not planned for another baby are now pregnant and all of those people who are desperately trying (I'm not one of them, mind), simply are
NOT. Not to mention the news that comes up every now and then in papers or in prime time bulletins about unwanted babies being dumped in dubious places. Those uncaring reckless parents who easily get pregnant and just as easily throw away their flesh and blood without any remorse.
Then there is good ol' silly me. I am not currently seriously trying for a baby although I've announced to my family members that this year, 2008, is indeed
the year that we'd be trying for a baby. This IS actually our plan; to conceive this year. However, there are a few teeny weeny little things that have to be taken into consideration and are sometimes nagging on my thoughts. First of all, we're planning to move to a new house by the end of March. Why that is significant can only be known and understood by us. Next, God willing, we'll be going for Umrah this May. So I've decided to first try spiritually as in the form of du'a. That leaves us until after May to concentrate on conceiving naturally. That includes going to the doctor or specialist for a scan or, cross my fingers, laparoscopy (my friend says its painful, ouch!). We are also planning a trip to Langkawi for the famous Dayang Bunting. It will also be a shopping trip as I'm planning to get insane amounts of chocolates and a few good sets of crockery for the new house, but I do digress and that will be a whole other entry. Next in the list of tasks would be taking some form of medication. Word of mouth informs me of Chlomid. So there's that. Failing that there is the possibilty of IUI and IVF. I cringe to think of the need of adopting. That would not be in our plans, not at least for now.
Now after all these efforts if for some reason I successfully get pregnant, I would be worried about parenthood. A, my friend who went for the IUI, is a doting aunt. Today she will be taking care of her 4 nieces and nephews for the weekend so the topic of conversation turned to suggestions on what activities she should do with her "brood". From the 2 years plus that I've known A she seems to be the motherly type. She can be fun but also a disciplinarian with the kids. I, on the other hand, am NOT. When Shasha was just a toddler I think I was the FUN aunt in the family. Well Auntida is also a FUN aunt but she can also be a disciplinarian. Unlike silly ol' me. I hate to say NO to my nieces of nephews because I'm afraid that they would hate me. Even now, I still regret the day that I told my non-blogging sis about shasha's comment concerning her bed (you know the story, sisters). Because afterwards I felt horrible and I think shasha was distant from me for a little while. In my humble opinion being able to discipline your kids or any other kids with some form of authority while not losing their respect on you is part and parcel of being a parent. I regret to say that I am lacking this skill. And who is to say that I will never ever acquire this skill later on in life? What if I do eventually bring a child into this world but then fail to nurture this poor baby into a good, successful and emotionally stable grown up? I shudder sometimes thinking of my life as there are a number of things I've done that I will forever regret. What if I fail to prevent these things from happening to my children? Apart from that there is the issue of money. As the song goes, "Money makes the world go around..". The cost of childcare in Shah Alam is rising significantly along with other costs which the government is doing nothing about (this also should be another entry but I dont want to get locked up). Which means at some point I would have to make some sacrifices in my lifestyle to ensure my kids get the best possible life, without always feeling disappointed.
Okay, I've blown off some steam and just now had been interrupted by a student. I lost my train of thought but there you go, incessant rambling in my head has just now become incessant rambling in YOUR head if you ever found your way to the end of this entry. Heh.
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March 06, 2008
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3:20:00 PM
